While both of my parents are lesbian Catholic nuns, I found a calling in Judaism thanks to the hospitality shown to me by a Brazilian Sephardic tantric bodywork educator whose Converso ancestors invented a list of problematic Disney movies with Jewish characters – and we need to talk about it.
I never fit in at Hillel because they preferred to drink and have fun instead of be nice. Ironically they were the first ones who created an electronic Mohel in New York City for the community’s underserved and underrepresented ancient Roman population. I was surprised to learn that they also actually completely automated the world’s only Yiddish farm thanks to Duolingo, and they’re saying YIVO is next on the chopping block.
My Unorthodox Life star Julia Haart is trading her mitzvot for universal healthcare, a more just world, and neo-Chassidic pronouns. While many young women are opting for oysters and tattoos, her daughter is taking a more unorthodox path by becoming the first Woman of the Wall in all of Jerusalem to turn benching into a mindfulness practice with mass appeal. And more importantly, she’s Ethiopian.
According to Pew Research, 56% of American Jews have the chutzpah, yet few are actually turning it into renewable energy. I’m not saying that the behaviour of the majority of Jews is problematic, but if I’m being honest with myself and my Zoom rabbi, I’m not sure there’s a space for Jews like me to continue selling colorful enamel Judaica-inspired jewelry on Etsy.
I can’t be the only one at camp who never went to camp. While the other kids were too busy kissing each other to unlearn Zionism, I was busy applying for grants to start the very first support group in Vermont for the children of guitar-playing Reform rabbis – and thanks to a generous donation from Mayim Bialik, more and more kids are unfortunately following in their parents’ footsteps. And that’s not okay.
Nobody else is going to say it: There are not enough tacky Jewish streetwear brands created by Jewish college students funded by their very wealthy parents. We asked cookbook author and Marvel superhero Lois Griffin (her mother is canonically Jewish) how many sweatshirts with the word “Shande” she owned, and she gave us 18 reasons to celebrate Yom Kippur by doing the splits.
In the end, most people aren’t going to pay good money for a Jewish education that doesn’t involve teaching their kids to ritually slaughter animals like cows, goats, and chickens on campus. This is why I haven’t cut or dyed my hair since my Bat Mitzvah. What’s certain is that I think nostalgically about the smell of chicken soup, and my bubbe’s long, coarse beard.
I can’t wait to spend Shabbat advocating for Jewish acapella singers in the diaspora. Care to join me?
Brilliant.