My boyfriend is Persian. The women in my boyfriend’s family love diamonds. They sparkle their way through every conversation about renovating their houses and outlet shopping. My own mother doesn’t wear jewelry with the exception of the few pieces I’ve given her over the years in an effort to form her into the kind of person I wish she was (rich). Although my mom is deeply granola, she has something in common with my boyfriend’s sisters, sisters-in-law, and aunties: They are all deeply susceptible to Q-Anon propaganda! The other day one of the SILs, a Beis Yaakov baddie who wears a gorgeous blonde balayage lace-front sheitel and pavé diamond-everything, told me point blank that covid tests actually cause cancer. Although she didn’t actually know what a carcinogen was. I was like, oh my god my mom told me the exact same thing! Wow!
I have always loved jewelry. I asked my parents for a Tiffany Venetian Link ID bracelet at the age of 13, they were like, “boys aren’t supposed to wear jewelry.” My little brother and I were starved for glamour and now both of us are hyper materialistic. When it comes to men’s jewelry I’m a bit conservative: I think a watch and a wedding ring are enough. If you’re Jewish (I have no idea why you’d be here if you’re not), you can add a Chai pendant, your Hebrew name, a Magen Dovid, etc on a gold chain – but that’s IT!! Anything else and you run the risk of stunting too hard and making me feel self-conscious. Personally, I wear a watch, a signet ring, a chain with my heeb name, and a bracelet that doesn’t come off. What can I say?! I’m gay! A bit of a rule breaker! But I understand what I’m doing is wrong.
If you’re thinking about starting a jewelry collection, or you’re inheriting somebody else’s, I’ve prepared a guide to help you. This will help you avoid hanging on to ugly pieces that serve no purpose, and assist you in passing on quality jewels for the next generation.
Pearls
Do pearls make you look like an old woman? Yeah I guess, but they’re kind of cool. Classically Abby suggests wearing pearls to replicate bad British babes like Margaret Thatcher, sporting a selection from a brand partnership with the Pearl Source. Those are fine but the brand gives off a strong QVC energy. Like many items on this list, the best pearls are inherited. Today, pearl necklaces are available in subversive styles: Mismatched sizes, obvious imperfections, mixed with colourful beads. I love a classic-looking (kind of boring) strand because it can jazz up a funeral outfit without taking anything away (except maybe the perception of youth). Bonus points for matching earrings.
A diamond necklace (for galas)
The annual shul gala was cancelled for the hundredth year in a row thanks to the plague. If it was still happening, it would have been a fantastic occasion for the ladies to break out their diamond necklaces!
A quick story: My boyfriend’s mom went to a wedding recently and saw that the sister of the bride wasn’t wearing any jewelry. She took off her own necklace (diamonds!) and put it on the woman and said, “take this for the night.” That’s the kind of person she is. I think there is no better way to assert your dominance over an acquaintance than by entrusting them with something tiny that costs more than their car without warning. Slay mama!
It was a long, straight row of diamonds. Is it an eternity necklace? A tennis necklace? I have no idea. A single diamond pendant on a chain is cute but it’s more of a Valentine’s gift than a future heirloom. The thing about a piece like this is that it doesn’t really need to go with anything. It speaks for itself. You break it out for special occasions, you throw it on a friend, and then it goes back into its lockbox at the bank.
Tennis bracelet
On New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend got drunk and told our host he was going to buy her a tennis bracelet because “just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean you can’t have a tennis bracelet!” or something. After a diamond bracelet exploded off the wrist of a tennis player in the 80s, these pieces became a bona fide staple. Like the diamond necklace, they don’t really go with anything, but you can incorporate them into a stack of other things (mix high and low!) like Tinsley Mortimer and be good to go. Also, galas!
Tennis bracelets are best received as gifts, but we’re not all married to real estate developers. I love the buy-it-yourself ethos of Mejuri, although most of the pieces are scaled-down. As heirlooms, they’re a bit meagre, but they’ll do in a pinch.
Tiffany Choker
From when you were a kid. If you didn’t get one as a kid, buy one off the Real Real and heal your inner child. You probably won’t wear it but it’s nice to have. In an incident similar to the viral 80s tennis bracelet, when I was in high school my best friend sported a Tiffany bracelet with little pearls. While we were in Forever 21, it came off her wrist and exploded all over the floor. I’ll never forget the sight of the pearls rocketing off in every direction. All she could recover was the Return to Tiffany charm. Gorgeous!
The name brand classics
A Van Cleef Alhambra pendant. An Hermès clic-clac. A Cartier Love bracelet. Horoscope necklaces. Those paperclip chains. Roxanne Assoulin bracelets. Etcetera! Like the Tiffany choker of yesteryear, these pieces show that you’re with the times and somebody loves you. They may not all be forever-classics, but they’re recognizable enough, and they’re a little less affected by the trend cycle, now at terminal velocity, so you don’t have to replace them as often as you might replace your sneakers. Be a smart shopper!
Fugly cocktail ring
I cannot fall asleep without some kind of sound. Normally I pop by headphones in and listen to something like Who Weekly, but when I was single I would often leave my laptop open beside my bed and let YouTube videos autoplay me into my next REM cycle. One early morning, I woke up to see makeup artist Lisa Eldridge showing off a collection of rings. I reached over to shut my laptop and knocked over a giant glass of water. There was no saving the laptop, but I’m still a huge fan of Lisa Eldridge’s jewelry line. While most rich white ladies who start a jewelry brand are not tasteful, talented, or innovative, her stackable baubley cocktail rings were refreshing! Finally! A hobby jewelry line that’s fine! Mejuri makes a similar product: An 80s-looking gold ring with a big old gem that you can wear to parties. I think the point of cocktail rings is to wear them to cocktail parties, but I feel like people don’t really do that anymore. So if you’re reading this, consider hosting a nice cocktail party in the near future, and give the ladies a chance to wear their fugly rings. That’s the meaning of Tikkun Olam.
Signet ring
When I was in high school I used to steal boys’ hats at parties and laugh and laugh and laugh! I lacked the self-awareness to realize that I looked like an elf and not a charming waify ingenue, but I think the thought is charming. Like if I was a completely different person (a tiny blonde Mormon-looking girl) people would have been like, wow, there’s something about her. But I am a man! And at the time, I wore glasses. In any case, a signet ring is like a baseball cap you stole from a boy. It’s the classier, toned-down version of the 2010s oversized “boyfriend jeans” or “boyfriend watch” (if your boyfriend wears an oversized Michael Kors watch, you don’t have a boyfriend. You have a hairdresser). With engraved initials or a family crest, a signet ring conveys an aspiration for proximity to wealth in a less obvious way than say, a leased Mercedes. Princes wear them, according to Tatler, “but also penniless Sloanes. Because, for all its significance, a signet ring can be passed down with very little baggage.” Does that sound like you?
This may or may not be of interest, but Ashkenazi Jewish women in the old country historically (as in, 1500s through early 20th century) had a real affinity for pearls, both worn as necklaces and embroidered into the shterntikhl, a decorated cap worn by married women. https://yivoencyclopedia.org/article.aspx/dress